Monday, March 02, 2015

I mean, at least Blaze and the Monster Machines teaches about trajectory, and acceleration, and magnets and shit. GOD.

Could you have imagined that there is, in fact, something worse -- far worse -- than Paw Patrol? Even on Nick Jr. -- I'm not talking about those shouty, cunty, thoroughgoingly awful tweener shows on Disney et. al., which will absolutely not be allowed to play on any computer or televising device in my house now or ever, mark my words --  just good ol' inoffensive-if-occasionally-stupid Nick Jr.

And the answer, if you were imagining whether or not there was something worse than Paw Patrol, is: Yes.

You know what it is? It's Little Charmers. These fucking little student witches with their christing "Charm House" and sparkle magic wands and way-too-adult-poppy theme song and constant refrain of "Sparkle up, charmers!" and fake curse words like "Oh, toadstools!" and so on, which you let your first-grader watch because A) you are trying to let her Be Herself so you don't want to imply that girlieness or bestie westie BFFs are bad things even though you yourself get the mini-pukes just from thinking about the type of girly girl who invariably coos "Awwwwwwwwwwww!" in that singsongy widdle voicey-woicey when meeting a kitten, baby, or other Certified Canonical Cute Thing, and B) surely -- SURELY -- she will tire of it soon. Right? Right. Yes. Certainly. She will. She -- she will. Tire of it. PROMISE ME, JESUS!

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Anonymous Maggie said...

Shows like this are catnip to my kindergarten daughter and Netflix has approx. eleventy million just like it ready at a moment's notice. She briefly loved the Powerpuff Girls, which was at least fun, but then she ran out of episodes and just started free ranging through shit like this.

Jesus, I never thought I'd miss My Little Pony so much...

1:55 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...


And I didn't even get into how much I hate how these shows are all about teamwork and helping each other "save" this or that. Fucking ridiculous. DO YOUR OWN WORK.

1:09 PM  

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